I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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