only you would photoshop your dick
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
