Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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