Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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