Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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