The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
