"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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