You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
