I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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