I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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