my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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