I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
