The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
