help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
