Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
