i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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