saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
