dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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