writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
