You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
