I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
