I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
