ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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