She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
