she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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