If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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