Do you still have your period?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
