what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
