I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
