Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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