My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
