I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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