my vag is so smooth its legendary
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she smelled like a LAN party
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think my moral compass just broke
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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