Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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