I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
