if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
