I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
