i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
