I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
