I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
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I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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