Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
