Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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