Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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