Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
