I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
