i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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