We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?