Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already