That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.