can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
