people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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