when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wish my penis had a tongue
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
