Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
