We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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