I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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