Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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