My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
