He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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