seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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